Who should you listen to?

Depending on the problem you’re tackling:

  • Operational improvements: Listen to your direct reports and managers at all levels.
  • Strategic direction or major personnel decisions: Consult your board and trusted investors; if the change is significant, include customers and clients.
  • Products and services: The customer is key.
  • Societal issues and company purpose: Seek input from your employees and the communities where you operate.

Don’t Judge Yourself at All

We live in a world that constantly nudges us to evaluate ourselves—to measure our worth based on achievements, appearances, or how we stack up against others. It’s easy to get caught in a relentless cycle of self-judgment, scrutinizing every decision, action, or perceived flaw. But what if we took a step back and chose not to judge ourselves at all?

Don’t Judge Yourself at All

The Weight of Self-Judgment

“Don’t judge yourself at all.”

“Don’t put gigantic expectations on yourself.”

Consider the story of Lisa, a talented graphic designer who pours her heart into every project. Despite her creativity and dedication, she often fixates on minor flaws in her work. After presenting a successful campaign, instead of celebrating, she dwells on a tiny detail she felt could have been better. This self-judgment doesn’t propel her forward; it leaves her feeling drained and inadequate.

Self-judgment often masquerades as a motivator, pushing us to improve or strive for better. However, more often than not, it becomes a heavy burden. It can lead to anxiety, depression, and a perpetual feeling of not being “good enough.” When we judge ourselves harshly, we undermine our self-esteem and hinder personal growth.

Embracing Self-Compassion

Instead of judging ourselves, embracing self-compassion can be a transformative alternative. Take Alex’s experience, for example. After failing an important exam, he initially spiraled into negative self-talk: “I’m such a failure; I’ll never succeed.” Realizing this wasn’t helping, he decided to treat himself as he would a close friend. He acknowledged his disappointment but also recognized the effort he had put in and the external factors that may have impacted his performance. This shift allowed him to approach his retake with a clearer mind and renewed confidence.

Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer others. It means acknowledging our imperfections without harsh criticism and recognizing that making mistakes is an inherent part of being human.

Why Gigantic Expectations Hold Us Back

Alongside self-judgment, setting gigantic expectations can be equally detrimental. Maria dreamed of starting her own bakery. She set a goal to open three storefronts within the first year. This immense pressure led to burnout, and she began to lose her passion for baking altogether. By setting such unrealistic expectations, she couldn’t appreciate the success of her first, beloved shop.

While having goals is important, unrealistic expectations set us up for disappointment. They create an unattainable standard that can lead to feelings of failure, even when we’ve made significant progress. When we expect too much too soon, we overlook the value of gradual growth.

Trusting ourselves and embracing authenticity can turn a stage from a battlefield into a platform for our true selves.

What gets in the way is our conscious mind constantly criticizing us, constantly telling us we’re not good enough.

The Beauty of Small Steps

By letting go of enormous expectations, we allow ourselves to appreciate the journey rather than fixate solely on the destination. When David decided to run a marathon, he didn’t start by attempting 26 miles. He began with short runs, celebrating each extra mile he could handle. Each small victory kept him motivated, and eventually, he completed the marathon—a goal achieved through patience and persistence.

Celebrating small victories fosters motivation and builds confidence. It’s about progress, not perfection. These incremental steps not only lead us toward our goals but also make the process enjoyable and sustainable.

Practical Steps to Shift Your Mindset

  1. Mindful Awareness: Pay attention to your inner dialogue. When you notice self-judgment creeping in, acknowledge it without criticism. For instance, if you catch yourself thinking, “I always mess things up,” pause and recognize this thought pattern.
  2. Reframe Negative Thoughts: Challenge self-critical thoughts by reframing them in a more positive or realistic light. If you didn’t get the job you wanted, instead of thinking, “I’m not good enough,” try, “This opportunity wasn’t the right fit, but there are others out there.”
  3. Set Realistic Goals: Break down larger objectives into manageable tasks. Emily wanted to write a novel but felt overwhelmed. She set a goal to write 500 words a day. This approach made the task less daunting, and over time, she completed her manuscript.
  4. Practice Gratitude: Focus on what you have accomplished and what you’re grateful for. Keeping a gratitude journal can shift attention away from what you perceive as lacking. Michael, who struggled with self-esteem, began noting three things he appreciated about himself each day, which improved his overall outlook.
  5. Seek Support: Surround yourself with people who uplift and encourage you. Join a community or find a mentor. When Jasmine shared her struggles with close friends, she found comfort and valuable advice that helped her navigate her challenges more effectively.

Ask yourself:
How can I allow myself to relax, so I naturally speak better?

Letting go of self-judgment and enormous expectations isn’t about lowering standards or ignoring personal growth. It’s about fostering a healthier relationship with ourselves. When we embrace self-compassion and set realistic goals, we create a supportive inner environment where we can thrive authentically.

Remember, you’re on a unique journey that’s entirely your own. Like a gardener tending to a plant, nurture yourself with patience and kindness, and you’ll bloom in your own time. Also, you are more than your achievements or shortcomings. You are a work in progress, and that’s perfectly okay.

Hidden Rules

In navigating through various strata of society, one may encounter unspoken rules that govern behaviors, attitudes, and expectations. These rules, though rarely articulated, form the bedrock of how different classes operate, perceive, and interact with the world. “Hidden Rules Among Classes,” offering a succinct comparison between Poverty, Middle, and Wealthy classes.

Hidden rules among classes

1. Money: How It’s Viewed and Managed

  • Poverty: The mindset towards money in the poverty class is centered around immediate gratification. Money is to be spent as soon as it is received, often on necessities, with little thought for the future.
  • Middle: For the middle class, money management is key. The focus is on budgeting, saving, and ensuring that there is enough for future needs and emergencies.
  • Wealthy: In the wealthy class, money is viewed as a tool for growth. It is to be invested, creating more wealth and opportunities for influence and power.

2. Personality: What Defines Success

  • Poverty: A sense of humor is a survival tool, a way to navigate through hardships and to build relationships that can provide support.
  • Middle: Achievement is the hallmark of the middle class. Success is often measured by educational attainments, career progress, and the accumulation of assets.
  • Wealthy: Connections and networking are paramount in the wealthy class. The focus is on building and maintaining relationships that can open doors to exclusive opportunities and enhance social standing.

3. Social Emphasis: Inclusion vs. Exclusion

  • Poverty: There is a strong emphasis on inclusion, where community and relationships provide a safety net.
  • Middle: Self-sufficiency is the goal. The middle class values independence and the ability to stand on one’s own, often striving to improve one’s social and economic status through hard work.
  • Wealthy: Exclusion is a defining characteristic, where the elite create closed networks that are difficult for outsiders to penetrate, thereby maintaining their status and influence.

4. Food: Quantity, Quality, Presentation

  • Poverty: The focus is on quantity—ensuring that there is enough to satisfy hunger.
  • Middle: Quality becomes important, with an emphasis on nutrition, taste, and health.
  • Wealthy: Presentation is key. Food is often a symbol of status, with a focus on aesthetics and the dining experience.

5. Time: Perspectives on the Present and Future

  • Poverty: Living in the moment is often necessary, with little room for planning ahead due to immediate financial pressures.
  • Middle: The middle class plans against the future, saving for retirement, children’s education, and other long-term goals.
  • Wealthy: Tradition plays a significant role, with the wealthy often focusing on legacy, maintaining customs, and planning for future generations.

6. Education: The Gateway to Social Mobility

  • Poverty: Education is often seen as abstract, with barriers that can make it seem unattainable or irrelevant.
  • Middle: Success and money are closely tied to educational attainment, which is viewed as the primary route to upward mobility.
  • Wealthy: Education is about maintaining connections, with elite institutions serving as networks that reinforce status and privilege.

7. Language: Communication Styles

  • Poverty: Casual register is the norm, with language being more informal and conversational.
  • Middle: Formal negotiation is key, particularly in professional settings, where language reflects a level of education and sophistication.
  • Wealthy: Formal networking is the standard, with language often reflecting a refined and cultured upbringing.

8. Family Structure: Matriarchal, Patriarchal, or Economic Power?

  • Poverty: Matriarchal structures are common, where women often play a central role in the family due to economic necessity or absent fathers.
  • Middle: Patriarchal structures dominate, reflecting traditional gender roles where the father is typically seen as the primary breadwinner.
  • Wealthy: The family structure is often determined by who controls the money, with power dynamics centered around economic control.

9. Driving Forces: What Motivates Each Class

  • Poverty: Relationships and survival are key, with social bonds providing essential support.
  • Middle: Achievement drives the middle class, with a focus on career success and personal development.
  • Wealthy: Financial, social, and political influence are the driving forces, with the wealthy often striving to maintain and expand their power and reach.

10. Destiny: Perspectives on Fate and Choice

  • Poverty: There is often a sense of fate and inevitability, with external forces seen as controlling one’s life.
  • Middle: The belief in choice and personal agency is strong, with the middle class often feeling that they can shape their own destiny through hard work.
  • Wealthy: Expectations are high, with an underlying belief that success and influence are not just possible but expected.

Understanding these hidden rules provides valuable insights into how different classes navigate the world. These unspoken codes not only dictate behavior and attitudes but also reinforce the structures that keep social classes distinct. For those aiming to cross these boundaries, awareness of these rules is the first step toward navigating the complexities of social mobility.